How'd you like to be lyin' helpless in a crib with a big rat gnawin' your ear? Jest imagine the feelinks uv the baby, sez Dock. Dock tried it on me oncet, 'nd when I lighted up agin seemed like I wuz smokin' a piece uv rope or a liver pad. You kin imagine how that other feller's cigar tasted when he lighted it agin. Nobody but Dock wud ever hev thought uv sech a fool thing, but Dock use to go round with that thing in his mouth like it wuz a cigar, and when he'd meet a man who wuz smokin' he'd say: Excuse me, but will you please to gimme a light? Then the man wud hand over his cigar, and Dock wud plough that wood stub uv his'n around in the lighted cigar and would pertend to puff away till he had put the real cigar out, 'nd then Dock wud hand the cigar back, sayin', kind uv regretful like: You don't seem to have much uv a light there I reckon I'll wait till I kin git a match. Dock never laffed nor let on like he wuz jokin', but jest the same this sort uv thing tickled him nearly to deth.ĭock had a piece uv wood 'bout two inches long,-maybe three: it wuz black 'nd stubby 'nd looked jest like the butt uv a cigar. Jest as soon as the wimmin heerd this they'd clap their han's up to their ears to see if their earrings wuz all right.
'Nuther trick Dock had wuz to walk 'long the street behind wimmin 'nd tell about how his sister had jest lost one uv her diamond earrings while out walkin'. All uv a suddint Dock nudged Lem and sez, jest loud enuff fur the wimmin to hear: I didn't git round till after it wuz over, but I never see sech a sight as that baby's ear wuz. One time Dock 'nd Lem Thompson went over to Peory on the railroad, 'nd while they wuz settin' in the car in come two wimmin 'nd set in the seat ahead uv 'em. We never solicited Dock's perfeshional services agin. No human power cud ha' got that pill into Sam. Sakes alive, John, says she, it's a wonder we haint dead, for we've been travellin' forty miles with a real live Beadle dime novvell When the train got to Peory a gentleman met the two wimmin 'nd sez to one uv 'em: I'm feered the trip haint done you much good, Lizzie, says he. It wuz nuts fur Dock 'nd Lem to see the two wimmin squirm, 'nd all the way to Peory they didn't talk about nuthink but snakes 'nd spiders 'nd mice 'nd caterpillers. Wall, all this conversation wuz fur from pleasant to those two wimmin in the front seat, fur wimmin love babies 'nd hate rats, you know. He looked at Sam's tongue 'nd felt his pulse 'nd said he'd leave a pill for Sam to take afore goin' to bed. We had him tend our boy Sam jest oncet when Sam wuz comin' down with the measles. He didn't have much uv a practice: he wuz too yumorous to suit most invalids 'nd sick folks. He told me oncet that when he found out that he wuzn't good for anythink he concluded he'd be a doctor but I reckon that wuz one uv his jokes. No, I don't know how he come to be a medikil man. I reckon that if Dock had stayed in Chicago a week he'd have had everybody crazy.
'Nuther thing Dock did wuz to git hold uv a bad quarter 'nd give it to a beggar, 'nd then foller the beggar into a saloon 'nd git him arrested for tryin' to pass counterfit money. Everybody sized him up for a ejeot, 'nd the wimmin folks shook their heads 'nd said it wuz orful fur so fine a lookin' feller to be such a tom fool. Said that Dock bought a fool Mother Goose book to read in the hoss-cars jest to queer folks would set in a hoss-car lookin' at the picturs 'nd readin' the verses 'nd laffin' like it wuz all new to him 'nd like he wuz a child. The baby kep' cryin' 'nd cryin', 'nd at last the mother come back into the house, 'nd there she found a big rat gnawin' at one uv the baby's ears,-had et it nearly offĭock went up to Chicago with Jedge Craig oncet, 'nd when they come back the jedge said he'd never had such an offul time in all his born days. Wall, all to oncet the mother heerd the baby cryin', but bein' busy with them clo'es she didn't mind much. Baby wan't more 'n six weeks old,-helpless little critter as ever you seen. You see it wuz like this: the mother had gone out into the back yard to hang some clo'es onto the line, 'nd she laid the baby down in the crib.
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